You are so brave

Dear Cooper and Everlie,

I miss you.   I miss scooping you up in my arms and hugging and kissing you and singing you to sleep.  I can only imagine what being away from me feels like as a child.  I know, I would have been lost when I was your age without my mom.  You are being so brave.   And bravery at your age will take you far.  You are learning things you shouldn't have to learn at your age.  And I am so sorry for that.   But it is okay to cry.  To let your emotions out.   You don't have to hold them in.   You can say how you feel.   You can feel how you feel.   I can only say, that I am working hard.  Harder than you know to get healthy and come home.  It is all I want for you and our family.    I hope you both know how deep my love is for you and everything I do, I do for you.  I do it all for you, and for our family.

You are shining lights, my babies, my perfect angels.  
You are my shining lights to come home to.
I miss you desperately and I love you.
Your mommy,
xo

To My babies

You will never know how much I miss you.
And how much I long to hold you in my arms.  
It's lonely without your smile and hugs to fill me up.
I'm sorry I'm not there with you right now.  I am doing all that I can to get through this, get off these drugs and come home a full, happy, HEALTHY person.

I love you my babies.
Cooper -- you are so very special.  You leave a sparkle in my heart and soul.
Everlie -- you are so very innocent and perfect and I cannot wait to give you my full soul.   

You are both the most amazing things that have ever happened to your father and me.   We love you.    I would marry your dad all over again.  And I would go through everything I've gone through and more to bring you into this world.    And if anything that I'm going through right now, has a purpose, it is going to make me a stronger, more compassionate, mother --- who will be able to teach you and give you so much guidance in this world.    After this is behind me, my purpose will be to make sure this costly lesson, serves as a light to others.   But mostly to you, my children.   Showing you, that ANYTHING is possible.   That you can overcome anything.   Even when odds seems stacked against you.  Trust yourself.  Trust your body.  Reach out for and accept help.  And never, not EVER, give up.

Life is going to be wonderful again.
I promise.

Love, mommy. xooxx

Keep Walking

Sometimes, in life, you may not know where your going, or have any idea how to get to where you want to go.  You see the destination, you know what it is that you want, but you can't get to it.  You can't see the map.   And you feel lost. 

The best advice I can give you in this situation is to keep walking.    Movement is necessary.    Even if it is the wrong way, it will always lead you to the next step in the process.   Trust that your path, and life, even struggle, is leading you somewhere that you need to go.  And all you need to do is merely keep walking.   Each clue, each new turn will reveal itself to you as it unfolds.   

So take those steps.  Even the one's that you aren't confident about, even the one's that seem unsure, and yes, even the one's that seem the hardest or scariest of all.   Each step is leading you closer to where you need to be.    The answers won't always be revealed in order.  The sequence isn't always linear or easy to make sense of.   But trust that life unfolds in time, in exactly the right way, if you just keep walking.  

Don't stand still.

Movement is vital.

Pick up your chin and keep walking.